Sole student attempts to form angry mob in protest of class cancellations

By Marvin Gaye
Executive editor

For all Fairfield students looking for a club to add to their schedule this semester, they have one brand-new group to consider: the Anti-Cancellation League. This club, formed last Wednesday, protests school cancellations due to inclement weather.

Founder of the group and its only current member, Arnold Gearson, says that he felt it was time for students to step up to the plate and fight against anything—including dangerous weather—that might stand in the way of the “real” college experience.

“It greatly concerns me whenever we have a snow day,” he told reporters as he looked up from his biology homework, biting his lip in fierce concentration as he multitasked.

“I mean, what are we here for? An education. The obtainment of knowledge. That’s it! We’re not here to have fun, damnit, we’re here to learn! Forget sledding, snowball fights, watching movies while drinking hot chocolate, hanging out with friends. This is college. This is serious. And we are seriously serious about it.”

Although Arnold has never actually asked anyone else about their opinion on the matter, he still knows that many of his peers sympathize with his cause.

“Everyone here just wants to study. They are sick of snow days, of cancellations; they are sick of losing opportunities to further their education. So that’s why I formed the Anti-Cancellation League.”

The League meets at 7:30 AM on Saturday mornings, and club activities include doing self-assigned homework together, discussing the possible minimization of polar vortex effects, organizing daily app-ointments with professors for outside-of-class lessons, and making signs to protest any cancellation rumors that are taking place on campus.

“I’m alone right now,” he said confidently, “but we can help keep school in session: together, we can end snow days once and for all!”

Turkeys declare official city-state, legal boundaries behind Quick Center

Reflector Newswire

Turkey Premier Trype Toffan has organized on campus turkeys into a unified city state, “Newfowlland,” behind the Quick Center for the Arts. In a recent press conference regarding the matter, Toffan said, “This newly signed declaration states that we are an independent city state.” When asked about the rising tension between students and turkeys, Toffan said, “We are a unified group, and we will fight for our rights if we have to.”

The Department of Public Safety has set up an electric fence around the city that would bring any turkey that touches it to a slow roast. “Well basically, we just don’t want to see turkeys get hurt, we have to protect them from themselves.”

New report shows that Fairfield University singles are the new 1%

By Marvin Gaye
Executive editor

According to a recent University survey—just in time for Valentine’s Day!—Fairfield singles now make up only 1% of Fairfield University.

Fairfield has always been famous for getting people together, but as of that official day of love, 99% of Fairfield students said that they are dating other students within the university.

In the survey, 69% of Fairfield students identified themselves as being in some kind of casual romantic relationship with another student; 25% said they were in serious relationships that had already been going on for one year plus, and 4% said they were already engaged to be married.

Only 1% of students actually listed themselves as single. This comes to no surprise to the Fairfield population, as since freshman orientation people have been telling them that they are sure to find their future husband or wife at school.

“I can remember being told during my orientation, when all of us were gathered in Alumni Hall, that my future husband might be in the same room as I was,” gushed junior Shelby Kostanza.

“Although I first thought that was an unreasonable expectation that put a lot of unnecessary pressure on students, I realized how silly I was being when I met my boyfriend Matt an hour later! It was a dream come true!”

Shelby’s story is not a unique one, as 99% of the population shares in the romantic atmosphere that Fairfield manages to create. Whether you’re in Barone, sitting in class in Canisius, or hanging outside of the townhouses on a Friday night, you’re bound to find the guy or gal right for you!

Love surely rings from Dolan House to Dolan School at Fairfield as the studies show.

As for those one percenters: just keep your eyes open. Who knows? Maybe someday you too can share in the joy of the Fairfield love story.

Notorious 42 Bellarmine wall-hole-puncher revealed to be an international Swiss student

By Grove Canaday
Managing Editor

42 Bellarmine Rd., a student residential college that has recently been plagued by a large amount of holes being punched in the walls discovered the perpetrator of these acts of vandalism to be Julian Gessner—an international student from Switzerland.

Reporters contacted Gessner to ask why he committed these acts, and found that the acts are resultant of his Swiss background, which requires holes to be in everything from walls to its artisanal cheese.

Students living in 42 Bellarmine appear to be accepting of Gessner’s heritage as no one has come forth to report him.

New university emergency notification system rigged to wake students up thirty seconds after having fallen asleep

By Archibald Votey

Editor-in-Chief

Resultant of its most recent system of notifying students of class cancellations due to inclement weather, Fairfield University has decided to take its emergency alert system a step further.

Starting this Saturday, the university will rig its alert system to inform students of class cancellation thirty seconds after they have fallen into the early stages of their sleep cycles.

Our neuro-science department has designed a computer chip that will be implanted in every student’s brain,” said a university representative, “and then we will be able to wake them up via an obnoxious cell phone call right after they’ve fallen into a comfortable slumber.”

The new system is sure to keep students awake in anticipation.

Turkeys petition for on campus rights

Reflector Newswire

In a recent press conference held by on campus turkeys, Trype Toffan, the recently appointed leader of the recently evolved turkey community, has expressed his dislike of student’s behavior towards the rest of the turkeys.

“We are tired of students gobbling at us. We don’t even gobble anymore.” A coalition of students has gathered in order to prevent turkeys from gaining on campus privileges.

Martin McDermott, the leader of the coalition, stated “We can’t let these birds get a foothold on our campus. Today, turkeys get privileges to remain on campus; tomorrow they are stealing our Sperrys. I knew this would happen.”

There appears to be no general consensus as to what will happen to the Fairfield turkeys, but rumors of revolution and independence from the university have been surfacing as of late.

Bellarmine statue allegedly laughs at student’s joke

By Graham Huber

Contributing Writer

Dylan DeStefano, a junior at Fairfield University, alerted reporters that on his way to the Dimenna-Nyselius library, he told his friend a joke at which point he claims the newly installed statue of Saint Bellarmine chuckled.

“It was kind of terrifying and I thought maybe I was crazy. I didn’t get much sleep the night before,” DeStefano said. DeStefano reported this occurrence to President Von Arx who replied, “What Saint Bellarmine statue?”

Reporters led Von Arx to the statue at which point he commented, “I never ordered that. I don’t believe it was donated, either.” Von Arx called for the immediate disposal of the statue and noted that it gave him “the jeepers.”

When Von Arx, DeStefano, and reporters left the scene, Von Arx was hit by a snowball only to turn around and see that no one was there—except for the statue.

FUSA and Fairfield @ Night to do battle at next Late Night at Barone

By Marvin Gaye
Executive editor

     The long-lasting rivalry between FUSA and Fairfield @ Night will finally be settled this Friday. Amidst those who will gather at Late Night at Barone for some snacks, FUSA and Fairfield @ Night representatives will clear everyone standing awkwardly with their friends in order to set up—in lieu of a mechanical bull—a boxing ring in the middle of the dining hall.

Fighting representatives will have it out while their older counterparts stand by and watch. The match is expected to last approximately three minutes before one of the representatives claims on campus nightlife bragging rights.

FUSA and Fairfield @ Night have long despised each other, as each attempt to make themselves known as the group with the most popular events on campus. Although Fairfield @ Night has been upping FUSA recently—let us not forget the monthly Bingo series—FUSA has still done well this year.

It is still unclear—however—which team reigning heavyweight champion Bannow Front Door will fight for.

Referees try to remind students that pro scouts are not in attendance at intramural games

By Grove Canaday
Managing Editor

     Softball spiking, basketball stuffing, soccer slide tacking, hockey boarding. After numerous injuries and tears on the courts and fields of Fairfield’s intramural sporting events, the student referees are making an organized attempt to remind athletes that pro scouts only attend the Division I games at Fairfield—not intramurals.

“I think I’ve sent at least five kids to the health center just this year from injuries that have stemmed from an overinflated sense of competition,” said junior referee Sean McMillian.

Nurses at the health center say that they’ve seen far worse: large egos, painful cases of smugness, and self-importance are just some of the issues that they are forced to heal on a daily basis.

“I don’t see this get getting resolved any time soon.” said a horrified nurse who refused to provide her name due to her personal scars in dealing with these students.

McMillan said he’s working with COSO to organize a movement that promotes the truth of the intramural games—that they’re there for enjoyment and not for the potential to be recruited by professional league scouts.

McMillan said, “I know there’s some sort of statistic saying that like 7% of kids who play intramurals end up playing pro, but those kids are real special. They don’t need the scouts. If you’re here for scouts, I dunno—you’re gonna have to look elsewhere.”

Junior living at beach next year just remembered Fairfield is covered in snow for most of school year

By Archibald Votey

Editor-in-Chief

Jake Estrellada, a junior currently living in the townhouse complex, allegedly just put a down payment on a beach house only to remember five minutes after the fact that the Connecticut coastline is covered in snow for most of the school year.

Estrellada apparently decided to rent a beach house during the first semester of his sophomore year with his three best friends who are now totally estranged and don’t speak with Estrellada anymore.

“I thought this might be fun, you know, a rite of passage,” he told the Reflector, “but instead I’m stuck with three people who hate me and an overpriced house on an icy tundra of a beach. And winter storms? Driving to class is going to be hell. Wish I could back out of this thing.”

At press time, Estrellada was checking the Farmers’ Almanac for predictions of next winter’s weather severity.