Turkeys assist avian bretheren, give geese Barone food

By Dustin Hoffman
Guest columnist

     So a couple of these college kids asked me to write some kind of turkey newswire for their little project, so I guess that’s what I am doing. I really don’t know what this whole turkey thing is about; I haven’t even seen any turkeys on campus besides that one in my sandwich at Barone. You know, when I was young, I would go out with my father and hunt hundreds of turkeys with only a knife. Those were the good old days.

Actually, I think I recall hitting a turkey on my way to one of the sets on campus. I’m not sure. I couldn’t hear very well because I was listening to “The Sound of Silence” on my “Graduate” cassette tape in my car. I carry that little cassette everywhere I go. Boy, do I love those Paul Simon tunes.

Apparently there is some kind of pact between the geese on this campus and the turkeys that hang out behind that Quick Center. I dunno, they didn’t really tell me what to write. Come to think of it, I remember eating a great goose dish at a restaurant down in L.A. I wonder if Mrs. Robinson is still down there, I think I might give her a call.

‘Boychoir’ extra really banking on this thing to launch his acting career

By Archibald Votey
Editor-in-chief

     Claiming that it’ll look really good on his IMDB page, and that “that’s all casting directors really care about,” Randall Markoff is really hoping that his opportunity to work on Francois  Girard’s upcoming film, “Boychoir” will be a launching pad into film contracts with  Miramax and eventually artistic merit and fame in the film world.

“It’s really good to get s*** like this  on your resume` early on you know?” Markoff  told reporters, “I get to put that I was ‘student walking’ on my IMDB page. Everybody wins.”
Markoff is allegedly ignoring the well known fact in the film industry that it takes decades of difficult work and dedication to land fame in Hollywood, and some of the best never come close to making it.

“Screw those guys though,” Markoff continued, “They probably just aren’t as good as me. You watch, today I’m second bill to an eight-year old, tomorrow, it’s to  Brad Pitt.”
At press time, Markoff was seen experiencing existential angst and self loathing.

Hoffman gives words of wisdom to young reporters

By Benjamin Braddock
Guest feature writer

     We here at the Reflector were so fortunate to have crossed paths with the prolific Mr. Hoffman this past week during his shoot on the film, ‘Boychoir.’ When we found him, he was a bit reserved—saying something that we believe was a sleight to the quality of the Stag Deli’s tuna salad sandwich. He accepted the opportunity of an interview, mentioning that the Reflector staff appeared as “the types who know how make a god damn tuna sandwich.”

THE REFLECTOR:You’re an extremely prolific actor, having starred in innumerable roles, often in such varying characters. How do you manage that?

HOFFMAN:Kids I’ll tell you the secret to my success. It was 1968, and I remember it was ‘68 because I had a cherry red Chevy that year. No. No, I gave up that car in the summer of ‘63. In ‘68 I had a—I was living in the city in ‘68 so I didn’t have a car [sustained silence].

R:Are you excited about “Boychoir?”

H: Absolutely. I think the catering service Francois picked for the film is top notch. I always prefer chicken salad if I can have it, but egg or tuna salad is a great alternative.

R: What advice would you give to young students just getting involved in acting?

H: It’s funny you should mention acting because I was once in a movie where Brando—was it Brando? Was Brando in “Wag the Dog?” Ah! DeNiro, that’s who it was. Anyway. DeNiro was in “Meet the Fockers” with me.

R: What’s your friendship with Mr. DeNiro like?

H: Well, Nero is an interesting case. Here you have an emperor documented as being cruel enough to watch his empire burn and laugh about it, and yet his final words—just so poignant. I want to get back into directing, or even literature just so that I can make a film or write some quality fiction about this guy. His life was so surreal, so nebulously Shakespearean. I mean, Nero lived out the great Greek tragedies—his life story paved the way arguably for Miller and Williams, and perhaps even Chekhov. And it all happened in Rome. If I did something like that it’d be in all Latin.

Dustin Hoffman Syndrome takes over Fairfield University Campus

By Bob Woodward
Guest columnist

     Fainting, crying fans crowded around Bellarmine Hall yesterday afternoon in an attempt to catch a glimpse of hot new campus celeb, Dustin Hoffman. Hoffman, who is filming his new movie, “Boychoir,” on Fairfield’s campus, has started a new phenomenon on campus that health center employees call Dustin Hoffman Syndrome.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said nurse Peggy McBride, “Three weeks ago, no one had any idea who Hoffman was. Now, he’s as hot as a fresh cup of coffee, or perhaps a post-Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus.”
Dustin Hoffman Syndrome, says McBride, often starts innocently enough: buying Hoffman posters, trying to locate him on campus for lunch, or simply screaming his name whenever passing a film crew. However, the innocent fangirling can often escalate into something serious: real illness.
Common symptoms include random quoting of “The Graduate,” immediate breathlessness upon Hoffman’s name, and fainting within 100 feet of the man’s physical presence.
Making constant references to “Meet the Fockers” is often the first sign of the onset of the disease. If left untreated, one may end up with permanent damage, i.e. an inability to quote anything besides Hoffman’s movies and an inappropriate fondness for imitation Oscar statuettes.
“A cure is possible, but an awareness of the warning signs is key,” says McBride. If anyone suspects that they or a loved one has contracted Dustin Hoffman syndrome, they are urged to visit the Health Center immediately.

Bob Woodward is a staff writer for the Washington Post. If you have any information on the Watergate scandal, he’s still covering it so, yeah I guess, like, contact him or whatever. 

Newfowlland turkeys ask permission to take literature courses at university

Reflector Newswire

     In an email leaked to the Reflector Newswire, Turkeys have asked President Von Arx permission to take basic reading and literature classes on campus.

Father Von Arx has refused to comment on the matter and dodges questions about turkey rights. Premier Trype Toffan said, “We want to be able to teach our poults how to read and write so that we can maintain our species’ foothold on this land.” Turkey McJoke and her friend Pleaselaugh Atthis said “We are tired of not getting the respect we deserve.”

Do you get the joke in this article? The turkeys are people. This is funny stuff. I’ve been busting my ass trying to entertain you. I have been shoving this allegory down your wattles, so please laugh. This is my job. I need to get some recognition here or else my boss lays me off. Please pay attention to me.

DPS officer admires student body via CCTV

By Grove Canaday
Managing editor

     New surveillance cameras installed in Regis Hall have given DPS a new view of student life—and their impressive pectorals.

     “Man, I remember when I was young like that. Look at that buff guy right there,” said DPS officer Malarky as he manipulated a joystick to focus a camera placed near a men’s communal bathroom entrance.

“When they come in from intramural tournaments, you can almost see the sweat glistening on their skin. State-of-the-art stuff!”

The new cameras come as a response to a trend of rampant damage and crime in underclassmen dorms. Freshman Jack Edd has seen minimal changes in student behavior since the new camera installation.

“I think security likes how well-behaved I am because I’ve been getting a lot of winks from them around campus recently,” he added. Edd walks by the DPS office on his way to the RecPlex every evening.

To Malarky, the best part of the solution is toggling his joystick. “I can’t get enough of the student body. I like to be really involved with their affairs because they just can’t be trusted. Without this, they’d be all over each other’s business”

“I know what it’s like to be living in close proximity with others – I have a family.”

Club DiMenna is not actually a nightclub

By Marvin Gaye
Executive editor

     Club DiMenna: the most exclusive club on campus, or a collegiate myth? This weekend, the truth about the club finally came to light when a group of students decided to look for answers.

Ever since the opening of the DiMenna-Nyselius building in 2001, rumors have circulated about the exclusive club that supposedly exists within its walls. The club, students have said, is often packed with students until the early hours of the morning, and many a brain has almost died due to the activities that students get themselves involved in there.

“We finally decided that it was time to discover the truth about Club DiMenna,” said junior Shannon McCarthy. “It was time to either confirm or deny the rumors: is it true that the quiet floor on the third level is the only place free from the noise and dancing on the other levels? Is “the basement” a place to hang out or a place where you can go see movie screenings once the dancing gets old? Is the second floor as really as wild as students say it is?”

Armed with high heels and fake IDs, Shannon and her friends cautiously approached Club DiMenna on Thursday night around 11:30, ready for a wild night that they would be sure to forget. However, once inside the Club’s doors, they came to a shocking discovering: Club DiMenna is actually a library.

“It was completely dead,” said Shannon. “I was shocked! I was expecting some crazy stuff to be happening. But no, no, students just sat there reading books or typing on their laptops. One librarian gave me kind of a weird look, so we just left.”

Unfortunately, Shannon and her friends learned, “Club DiMenna” is just a phrase thrown around to make the library seem cool.

“We realize this shatters many students’ expectations of what Club DiMenna is supposed to be like,” said Shannon. “It certainly shattered mine! But we thought it was too important to keep it a secret. The truth had to come out at some point.”

‘Examen’ statue is actually monument to world’s first chest bump

By Graham Huber
Contributing writer

    Dispelling the rumors that the statue in front of the campus chapel is actually meant to symbolize the Jesuit value of “reflection,” Fairfield historians that are focused in art proved the statue is actually a monument to world’s first chest bump.

“We were a little shocked at first,” said an on-campus Jesuit, “but it makes so much sense. With all the bro culture here, it’s only natural that we honor those that paved the way for future Natural Light-drinking bros.”

According to our sources, the bump depicted in the statue took place after Christopher Columbus’ crew went ashore on Fairfield’s own Jennings’ Beach in 972 B.C. Historians claim that the bros in antiquity depicted were so overwhelmed by their successes that they pounded a few pitchers of Ye Olde Au Naturale and, in their excitement, slammed their sterna together, forever affecting the traditions held with one’s boys.

“One thing that’s interesting about this representation is that these ancient bros were barefoot,” said another campus Jesuit, “We hope to figure out when bros in Fairfield began wearing Sperry boat shoes with high white socks and erect another statue.”

Sole student attempts to form angry mob in protest of class cancellations

By Marvin Gaye
Executive editor

For all Fairfield students looking for a club to add to their schedule this semester, they have one brand-new group to consider: the Anti-Cancellation League. This club, formed last Wednesday, protests school cancellations due to inclement weather.

Founder of the group and its only current member, Arnold Gearson, says that he felt it was time for students to step up to the plate and fight against anything—including dangerous weather—that might stand in the way of the “real” college experience.

“It greatly concerns me whenever we have a snow day,” he told reporters as he looked up from his biology homework, biting his lip in fierce concentration as he multitasked.

“I mean, what are we here for? An education. The obtainment of knowledge. That’s it! We’re not here to have fun, damnit, we’re here to learn! Forget sledding, snowball fights, watching movies while drinking hot chocolate, hanging out with friends. This is college. This is serious. And we are seriously serious about it.”

Although Arnold has never actually asked anyone else about their opinion on the matter, he still knows that many of his peers sympathize with his cause.

“Everyone here just wants to study. They are sick of snow days, of cancellations; they are sick of losing opportunities to further their education. So that’s why I formed the Anti-Cancellation League.”

The League meets at 7:30 AM on Saturday mornings, and club activities include doing self-assigned homework together, discussing the possible minimization of polar vortex effects, organizing daily app-ointments with professors for outside-of-class lessons, and making signs to protest any cancellation rumors that are taking place on campus.

“I’m alone right now,” he said confidently, “but we can help keep school in session: together, we can end snow days once and for all!”

Turkeys declare official city-state, legal boundaries behind Quick Center

Reflector Newswire

Turkey Premier Trype Toffan has organized on campus turkeys into a unified city state, “Newfowlland,” behind the Quick Center for the Arts. In a recent press conference regarding the matter, Toffan said, “This newly signed declaration states that we are an independent city state.” When asked about the rising tension between students and turkeys, Toffan said, “We are a unified group, and we will fight for our rights if we have to.”

The Department of Public Safety has set up an electric fence around the city that would bring any turkey that touches it to a slow roast. “Well basically, we just don’t want to see turkeys get hurt, we have to protect them from themselves.”