By Bob Woodward
Guest columnist
Fainting, crying fans crowded around Bellarmine Hall yesterday afternoon in an attempt to catch a glimpse of hot new campus celeb, Dustin Hoffman. Hoffman, who is filming his new movie, “Boychoir,” on Fairfield’s campus, has started a new phenomenon on campus that health center employees call Dustin Hoffman Syndrome.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said nurse Peggy McBride, “Three weeks ago, no one had any idea who Hoffman was. Now, he’s as hot as a fresh cup of coffee, or perhaps a post-Hannah Montana Miley Cyrus.”
Dustin Hoffman Syndrome, says McBride, often starts innocently enough: buying Hoffman posters, trying to locate him on campus for lunch, or simply screaming his name whenever passing a film crew. However, the innocent fangirling can often escalate into something serious: real illness.
Common symptoms include random quoting of “The Graduate,” immediate breathlessness upon Hoffman’s name, and fainting within 100 feet of the man’s physical presence.
Making constant references to “Meet the Fockers” is often the first sign of the onset of the disease. If left untreated, one may end up with permanent damage, i.e. an inability to quote anything besides Hoffman’s movies and an inappropriate fondness for imitation Oscar statuettes.
“A cure is possible, but an awareness of the warning signs is key,” says McBride. If anyone suspects that they or a loved one has contracted Dustin Hoffman syndrome, they are urged to visit the Health Center immediately.
Bob Woodward is a staff writer for the Washington Post. If you have any information on the Watergate scandal, he’s still covering it so, yeah I guess, like, contact him or whatever.
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